Ok, for years I've been asked about relationship building and why some of mine have lasted so long. And also, been asked how do I know when to ditch a relationship at work or in my personal life that I'm not happy with. Especially in this day and age of the web where one can jump from shiny new bauble to shiny new bauble with the click of a link or a quick over night order of some new trinket through Amazon. First of all, since as long as I can remember I was always good at creating relationships. You know meeting people in person at a function or party or online, and then usually through gift of gab or humour or attraction of some type, a relationship would be formed. I'm an extrovert for the most part so a lot of the connecting stuff happens just because I like to talk to and get to know people. It's my nature. This is harder for some people who are shy and have difficulty meeting or opening up to other people to get to know them. But you know, the really hard part over the years (especially my early years out of college) was how do I exit from a relationship that i was no longer happy in or didn't seem to be working for me? And how do i stop myself from repeating the same relationship mistakes over and over again each time. I mean seriously, who needs the heartbreak? I know heartbreak - I made the decision to get divorced early in life because i wasn't ready to be 100% conscious and in the relationship to stick through the bad times as well as the good times. Well, i can give you some of the advise that I've learned over the years that really works and is an amazing way to consciously evaluate your relationships and make the tough decisions when you have to. But first, and without getting too deep into the weeds, lets consider that relationships once started due to some mutual attraction or apparent win-win for each party to it, are basically founded and sustained on a series of agreements between the two parties (agreements that are both implicit and explicit) and whether or not the parties keep or break the agreements between themselves. Agreements could be things like I agree that you're my girlfriend and I will only have eyes for you. Or an agreement could be something like, as your manager I will stay out of your way and not try to do the project for you or manipulate you to do it some other way or my way. I'm here to support you. You could probably think of many other agreements that occur between two parties. When the parties keep the agreements (agreed to implicitly or as explicitly defined) what do you as a party to these agreements get out of it? What's your reward?

Well, for one thing besides gaining a win for yourself from the other side, as a reward you gain tremendous trust from the other party as well as from the many others who observe or learn about your commitment in keeping the agreement(s). Your self-trust also goes up. Hey, I'm trustworthy; my word is my bond. And tied to self-trust is also self-respect, self-esteem and a self-confidence. When you know you keep your word, when you keep your agreements you feel that much more empowered, more clear of purpose and for sure, you gain more energy to create more agreements. And truth be told, when you keep your agreements you attract others to you. Both in personal relationships and in business. In short, your relationships are amazing when you keep your agreements, a treat to be a part of - and they work!!!

What do you get when you don't keep your agreements? What's the cost or price for breaking your agreements? Well, you guessed it, your relationships begin to fail, they wobble, they don't work. The trust the other party and/or others had in you begins to diminish. Confusion sets in, your energy decreases because it takes a lot of work to try to keep the other side(s) in the relationship with you. Your self-trust, self-respect, self-esteem and self-confidence all go into the crapper. You lose your girlfriend or wife or you stay stuck in a bad relationship. You hate your boss and/or you never seem to get the promotion you're looking for. And for some of you who have never gotten conscious in your life - you know, haven't taken a minute to take stock of are you happy or not at this moment - may not even notice or care. Except one day when you realize you're not happy and going through life like this isn't very fulfilling. Who wants to end up old and unhappy having missed out on great relationships that could have been or should have been? No one obviously.

So, we've got a number of relationships we're in. Lots of parts are going great; some not so great. How do we know when to ditch the relationship? Or, looking at this more positively how do i create relationships that will work and keep me happy?

1. Ask yourself this question: Am I "winning" in my life? In this context winning means, am i in the process of creating for myself what I am certain is important to me. What is most important to you in a relationship could be things like openness, feelings of security, commitment, honesty, passion, trust, respect, etc. When I do these things for myself at all times I am winning and when i show up in the relationship doing these things, I feel better about myself. I'm feeling really good about myself creating these things for me. I create self-acceptance of myself as to who I am. And you know when I feel better about myself - when i feel good - I feel better about you. I'm more accepting of you. If you're getting this sense, this win in the relationship, are you happy? If you're happy, why would you leave it? You wouldn't, of course.

2. The next question to ask yourself is: Am I being for you the way I want you to be for me? See question one description above. When you're in the relationship being 100% the way you want the other to be and feeling great, would you leave the relationship? No, of course not. Are you happy? Very likely yes you are so why would you leave it?

3. Now ask yourself: Do I want this relationship? Here's the answer - If you're not putting yourself into the relationship 100% with all the things you want out of it - that is, you want passion, so you're passionate. You want trust, so you choose to be trusting. You want honesty, so you're honest upfront and accountable - if you're honest with yourself and not giving those things 100%, are you really happy? You wouldn't be. You're just putting in time - in short, you're just going through the motions. And because of that YOU CANNOT LEAVE THE RELATIONSHIP UNTIL YOU HAVE MADE YOURSELF HAPPY IN IT! If you have been putting into the relationship everything you want out of or like to receive from the other party ***WITHOUT EXPECTATIONS****to make yourself happy, and you're happy - would you leave the relationship? Likely not. How long does one have to do this to ensure that they still want this relationship? My experience has been that if you can be honest with yourself and make yourself happy in the relationship for 6 to 12 months, then if you still want to exit the relationship you can. But why would you? Especially if you end up getting everything out of it that you wanted? And if you're not giving everything to the relationship that you wanted you can't leave it without doing that first. Now think of this as well. When you're putting everything you want into the relationship and you're happy - clearly the other party sees this and has to decide for themselves either I want to be just as happy in the relationship as you are - they will ask you for your support on how to get there or they will likely want to leave. That's their choice but you have created the solid foundation, the commitment and the security for them that they know you will always be there in the relationship for them. It would be a big loss for them leaving.

Seem confusing? Basically what we've uncovered here is that entering into any relationship requires commitment. Commitment not only to the other party but to one self. To avoid repeating all the mistakes you have made in the relationships before this one, you need to learn how to make yourself happy in this one. You can not leave this one until you have done that. If you don't, you will repeat your pattern of failed or unhappy relationships over and over through your life. It's not easy, takes a lot of self-commitment and reflection. But the journey is well worth it. There is no greater personal feeling than being in a relationship where you get to be yourself - no image, feel happy and you and the other party are both committed to the relationship journey going forward.

Tags: Personal Excellence