Have you noticed something lately? If you’ve been working for longer than a month, you’ve likely encountered a bad boss or a boss from hell in your career. Why is it such big news these days that there are bosses from hell out there? Seems like there’s a lot of boss stuff being written on the internet (How To Handle The Boss From Hell), in magazines and in newspapers regarding the bad bosses out there. Now it could be just because of Ken Lay of Enron, or the character Meryl Streep plays in the new movie The Devil Wears Prada giving bosses a bad name, or it could just be that the bad boss cycle has come around again in this hot economy and people are looking for something better from their work environment. And employees are complaining to anyone who’ll listen. Seems like companies aren’t listening much on their way to their bank accounts. So how do you, a lowly employee (the key cog in getting all the real work done), deal with a socalled boss from hell? You know the one everyone’s talking about, the micro-manager, the meanie, the can’t make a decision guy, the brown-nosing gal, etc.? Well, the real issue at play in any boss-subordinate relationship is “control”. Seems obvious doesn’t it? They have it and you don’t. But the truth is—we all have control—we just need to learn how to give it so that both ourselves and the Receiver can benefit from it. Let me explain.
Now, try not to go to sleep here but no discussion of handing over control and/or strategies to deal with people (like bosses, etc.) who are less than pleasant can come without a brief discussion of what drives us, our communication styles and whether or not we’re Masters of the situations we find ourselves in or we’re Victims. Let’s start with our driving needs first; needs that when met let us know our definition of success (DOS) is being achieved.
We all know the basic needs every human needs to survive such as: water, food, oxygen, warmth, sleep, health, exercise and sex (males more than females my “sex camel” wife says, but I digress). Add to those security (which I could go on about ad nauseum) and you’ve got the list of basic needs down pat. We need these needs met before we can go on to become self-actualized people, as Dr. Abraham Maslow would tell you. But they’re not driving needs.
Driving needs are those needs we consciously or unconsciously seek to fullfill in order for us to learn at a higher level, to move closer to the state of self-actualization, to feel like we’re living at the highest possible level of our existence. These needs may be framed with words like: challenge, intimacy, achievement, passion, control, love for example. It takes a tremendous amount of determination and desire to explore and learn what needs shape up our makeup; what needs drive us everyday; what needs motivate us to act or do things a certain way. Everyone has some driving needs that are being met. If you’re conscious about them, you’ll have some kind of DOS that defines a process, a way for you to be for you to obtain fulfillment of these needs in some positive, society-acceptable way. An unconscious person (someone going through each moment of their life without conscious thought about why it is they’re doing what they’re doing) still gets driving needs met even though they may not consciously choose to satisfy them. For example, I need to have challenge met in my life (according to my DOS) so a positive way for me to fullfill this need is to set a personal goal of running 1000 miles or more in a year. I might also “challenge” myself by running a half-marathon in under 2 hours. I may not necessarily accomplish these goals as I planned but the very act of challenging myself supports my driving need. I feel challenged; I feel good; I feel alive. It may even inspire others around me to do similar things. An unconscious person may choose to speed down a busy rush hour freeway, zig zagging through traffic as if she was in a Grand Prix race or something trying to get home after work by 5:00 PM. It’s a real challenge for her to get by all these slow driving morons who are keeping her from starting her evening. Her need for challenge may be met when she finally succeeds but was it very society acceptable? No, and it would definitely be a very dangerous thing to do especially if she lost control of her vehicle. Meeting needs in ways that are harmful to yourself or unacceptable in today’s society is not the way to go. The point is driving needs are deep needs and wants that a person wants fullfilled for themselves, either consciously or unconsciously, and preferably in positive ways.
And the way to get these needs consciously met is by being aware of what they are for you and then giving them to yourself.
Know this, that the simple act of sincerely choosing to give yourself or anyone for that matter, what it is that you’re looking for (whether love, intimacy, control, forgiveness, passion, respect, etc.) will help you get your own need met. And you must do this without expectation of outcomes. Why? Because you must be 100% invested in the process of giving what it is you want without worrying about what the outcome might look like. It’s the process that counts. The outcome will be what it will be; you have no control over that. Folks, particularly salepeople, have trouble with that concept. They’re lead to believe that you should expect to win every deal, etc. Whereas we know that that’s not likely. I look at things a little bit different. I’ve always believed that if I give 100% of myself, my knowledge, my passion, my understanding, my commitment to a deal I’ll either succeed or I won’t this time. Am I a failure when I don’t succeed this time? No! If my process is good, I get back on the horse and go get another deal. The chances are when I give a 100% of myself to a situation, the outcome may not look exactly like I had envisioned but it’s usually in my favor. By…
...staying “detached from the outcome of my process” I can stay open to new possibilities or avenues to satisfy my driving needs…
...if the outcome is not as expected. It’s easier to stay positive in any situation and allows me to be “in control” of me and my feelings. And when I’m positive, I attract more positive things to me. When I’m negative, I attract more negative things to me. Have you ever noticed that happen to you? How about your work environment - why have you attracted a “negative boss”? Perhaps you’re a Victim more often than you’re a Master of your own choices.
See the next blog entry Master vs Victim for the continuation of our discussion on how to deal with bad bosses.
